No One Likes to Talk About Failure

Dear Real Academics,

Warning: This is a little longer than usual, but stick with me...I promise, it will be worth it.

My Past and Present Views on Failure

Tiberio, my now husband, can tell you that when he first met me in graduate school, he was amazed that I made a statement one day to the effect of, "I'd rather die than fail a class". Allow me to defend myself a bit. I am culturally Mexican, and I can sound inadvertently dramatic with words. The sentiments in Spanish, needless to say, do not always translate so well into English. 

But, case in point, Tiberio tells me he took my statement quite literally and was amazed that someone would hold a viewpoint like that about failure. I am thankful he did not take offense, and he understands me better now. Fast forward 10 years, and I have calmed down a bit. I like to think I'm still a go-getter, but I am much more comfortable with failure than I used to me. 

The reason for being more comfortable with failure is not just age, but simply living. Having gone through and finished a Ph.D. that required advanced statistics, which I used to be terrified of; having to go through the publication process with very high ranking journals multiple times; and having to go through the tenure process at a university that had just transitioned to high research and was uncertain about what it valued (I don't wish this situation on anyone), has required that:

(a) I stretch myself beyond my comfort zone and
(b) develop thick skin

Developing Thick Skin

For those of you who might not be familiar with the phrase, "developing thick skin" (I wasn't when I first heard it because I did not grow up with English idioms), the idea is to develop the ability to not get so easily upset or offended by things other people say or do. 

This ability is critical to survive the often harsh criticisms common in higher education environments such as might be present in external manuscript/grant reviewers; student and/or faculty evaluations, etc.

Failure in Higher Education

No one likes to talk about failure. I recall being rejected from an academic conference presentation because I wanted to talk precisely about failure and how important it is for learning -- oh the irony! haha. 

I had heard about how a well-published academic had decided to create a vita/resume showing all his manuscript rejections (You can view his "CV of failures" here). His point was just that we only see the successes on paper, but we rarely see the "behind the scenes" struggle, which often includes a fair amount rejection and failure. 

I guess the topic was not kosher for higher eduction. And, yet, successful authors in academia and elsewhere have stories of the number of rejections they've gotten before being accepted. I've learned that there is also a pattern: The more high stakes and potential influence a manuscript has, the more likely it is to be rejected until it is, hopefully, finally accepted. 

Different Kinds of Failures

Of course, there are exceptions in the realm of intellectual work. You may be someone that easily gets grants, manuscripts, etc. accepted and rarely fails, which is fantastic. But, lest we are dishonest, at what cost? Sometimes failure is not so much in the external successes, but in the internal relationships (e.g., lost? broken?), life balance, and things sacrificed -- was it worth it? Only you can answer that question. 

I always think about a successful full professor who made a comment one day about dying and being buried with all her publications. She was asking, "Who is going to care?" and "What really matters?" I'm not saying I agree that her work didn't matter, but I thought the comment was, paradoxically, positively reflective. We should all be asking what we actually consider true success in life beyond the lines on our CVs. 

Another immensely successful professor I knew said that he regretted sacrificing his relationship with his first wife whom he divorced because he was so focused on getting tenure. He vowed to never repeat that kind of neglecting of his relationships again as he worked toward full professor. And he didn't. He set clear boundaries with his work, remarried, reached full professor, and has remained happily married. This is a great example of learning from internal failure even amidst external success.

Where Are You?

Where are you, Real Academics? By "where" I mean two things:

(1) Where are you in your academic journey? Are you a doctoral student trying to finish a dissertation? Are you an early career academic working your way through the research and publication and teaching process? Are you going through your third year review or the tenure process? Are you thinking about a career change or retirement? 

(2) Where are you emotionally with respect to failure and success? Let's be real. Wherever you are in the academic process can be a zone of potential failure and of great successes. I commend you for doing something that stretches you to grown and learn, and I want to remind you that the only way for this to happen is to struggle past any storms and persevere. I have always told my doctoral students that it's not necessarily the "smartest" who finish their dissertations. It's those that persevere.

Your are Not Alone

Persevering is not easy, though, and any big learning and/or life changes like the ones required for academics should not be done alone or in isolation. I encourage you to seek support among mentors, colleagues, friends, or others. Universities often have support programs. 

What say you, dear Real Academics? Get real and ask yourself: Where am I this week with respect to my views of failure, success, learning, and ultimate life values? 

If you have not found a support group that is working for your academic success and need external coaching support, know we are here and ready to help you succeed. More and more great people I know (including Tiberio and myself) are starting up academic coaching in higher education, which I wished I had known about earlier in my academic career. Coaching is an investment in yourself for the long run.

We are neutral third parties with a focus on your success. We also like to meet with you before any commitments are made. We have a list of amazing coaches we can refer you to if we are not a good fit for you. Explore what coaching could look like for you with Real Academics here. 

Closing

At Real Academics we help individuals be joyful, productive, and successful in their academic, learning, and life pursuits. Find out more about us and what we can do alongside you at www.therealacademics.com. 

As always, we love to hear from you! Send us an email at inforealacademics@gmail.com.

Until next time, happy writing productivity, and truth-seeking,

Maggie

P.S. This is too good to pass up: Why You Shouldn't Settle for a Mediocre Life with Lewis Howes